The Shit that people eat!

“One man’s shit is another man’s grub” I just made up that proverb! Anyways, given the fact that people eat rattlesnakes and cockroaches for breakfast, I’m sure most of you agree with me.

I’m not very different from the above kind of people. Well I don’t exactly eat roaches but I can tell you, I eat a lot of things you have no idea is even edible.

For starters, let’s consider the goat brain. WHAT?? Yeah, you heard it right. I eat goat brain and any other animal brain that is stupid enough to end up in my plate. There’s this place in Madurai called Konnavan Chalai that’s a must check out point, if you’re interested in tasting this delicacy. You can find a row of goat heads stashed on the road sides and the whole place smells like paradise, if you know what I mean! Eww you might say. But take my advice, visit this place and you’ll not live to tell your story!

But that’s not the weirdest thing I've eaten .Well, at least not as weird as the crocodile meat! In fact, that was not very weird. Half the people in Thailand literally survive on Crocs. One more thing I gobbled down in Thailand is the Giant Squid. Believe it or not, it was beautiful. With its purple tentacles with spotted round protruding whatever, that you can choke on as it goes through your throat. Too bad it had to end up in my tummy!  
But it can in no way compare with the plate of snails that was put in front of me in Paris. The French call it the Escargot and is a starter made with snails cooked with garlic and parsley butter. 

But we’re not going to talk about the grossier things. 

Staying positive and light, I’d like to move on to the pigs in my country. Well you see, most of them are splashing around in open drainage and muddy puddles in the roadside with their family and friends. And they’re black! Don’t get me wrong, I’m no racist but I’m not exactly sure about their original colour, since they’re covered with shit, sludge and other gross stuff you find in sewers. 

Their cleaner cousins, the fatter ones that are pink, are found in Jesuit establishments and hotels that need someone to clear up the leftovers. They’re not a very pretty sight either, but certainly much better looking than their dark street cousins. Not that looks matter, when it comes to eating. I almost eat everything that can walk. Or swim or fly….. Or oh yes, some even crawl. (O_O) 

And, so owing to my genuine concern on fellow human beings and my tendency to help anyone in need, I am giving you a set of advises on cooking a pig, that is a collection of secret techniques that are only passed on to worthy Pig-eaters!!

SOME ADVICE ON HOW TO COOK A PIG:

Things you’ll need:

1.       One or two men: Usually one man will do…. But some of ‘em put up a good fight. So you might need 2 men for catching them.

2.       One woman: This will be the person who cooks it. Anyone who can cook better than you, should be fine. If it’s your mother, then I’m happy for you!

3.       A pig: A big one or a small one depending on your appetite.

Steps involved:

1.       Now that you have all that you need, you can get to work. First close the barn door or whatever door that keeps the pig in. (Caution: Beware of athletic pigs that can jump over fences)

2.       Now with the 2 men, who have agreed to help you out, enter into the pig’s enclosure. The trick is to make the pig believe that you’re not interested in it. This might confuse the pig at first. Talk amongst yourselves, while slowly moving towards the pig.

3.       By now the Pig must have figured out your evil intentions. He’d probably be standing there glaring at you.

4.       When you’re close enough, go for the dive. Jump at the pig from all directions. This could be tricky because you have to dive with your hands spread out towards the pig. Don’t worry if your hands get tangled with each others, because it can get the pig entangled in the web.

5.       But some particularly clever pigs can squeeze away through the loops and leave you there on the floor looking like gay retards. In this case, you need to use your plan B, which is the Chase.

6.       Run around the pig pen and grab the pig with your hands. Try not to pull its tail, because that can get you arrested for violating animal rights!

7.       Some people can use their persuasive speaking skills into coercing the pig into surrendering. But don’t try it, if you don’t have good oratory talents. You might end up getting laughed at by a pig!

8.       The last rule is not to get depressed if you’re outsmarted by the pig. You’ll eventually grow out of the embarrassment.

9.       When you’ve finally caught it, give it to your mom or whoever can cook and tell them to cook it for you. Then stand up and observe a few minutes of silence for the pig and pray that it may rest in peace. Or who knows the pig’s soul might come back looking for you….

10. People usually put an apple in the pig’s mouth after roasting it. You could go for other fruits, if you don’t want to be too mainstream. But a watermelon will not fit in, even with the bigmouthed ones.

Voila! There you go…… your very First pig on your dining table!!

Don’t forget to share this recipe with any friend in distress and help out just like what I did. Happiness is being a friend in need!!

PS. I've never eaten pork ever! lol