“One man’s shit is another man’s grub” I just made up that
proverb! Anyways, given the fact that people eat rattlesnakes and cockroaches
for breakfast, I’m sure most of you agree with me.
I’m not very different from the above kind of people. Well I
don’t exactly eat roaches but I can tell you, I eat a lot of things you have no
idea is even edible.
For starters, let’s consider the goat brain. WHAT?? Yeah,
you heard it right. I eat goat brain and any other animal brain that is stupid
enough to end up in my plate. There’s this place in Madurai called Konnavan Chalai
that’s a must check out point, if you’re interested in tasting this delicacy.
You can find a row of goat heads stashed on the road sides and the whole place
smells like paradise, if you know what I mean! Eww you might say. But take my
advice, visit this place and you’ll not live to tell your story!
But that’s not the weirdest thing I've eaten .Well, at least
not as weird as the crocodile meat! In fact, that was not very weird. Half the people in
Thailand literally survive on Crocs. One more thing I gobbled down in Thailand
is the Giant Squid. Believe it or not, it was beautiful. With its purple
tentacles with spotted round protruding whatever, that you can choke on as it goes through your throat. Too bad it had to end up in my tummy!
But it can in no way compare with the plate of snails that was put in front of me in Paris. The French call it the Escargot and is a starter made with snails cooked with garlic and parsley butter.
But
we’re not going to talk about the grossier things.
Staying positive and light, I’d like to move on to the pigs
in my country. Well you see, most of them are splashing around in open drainage
and muddy puddles in the roadside with their family and friends. And they’re
black! Don’t get me wrong, I’m no racist but I’m not exactly sure about their
original colour, since they’re covered with shit, sludge and other gross stuff
you find in sewers.
Their cleaner cousins, the fatter ones that are pink, are
found in Jesuit establishments and hotels that need someone to clear up the
leftovers. They’re not a very pretty sight either, but certainly much better
looking than their dark street cousins. Not that looks matter, when it comes to
eating. I almost eat everything that can walk. Or swim or fly….. Or oh yes,
some even crawl. (O_O)
And, so owing to my genuine concern on fellow human
beings and my tendency to help anyone in need, I am giving you a set of advises
on cooking a pig, that is a collection of secret techniques that are only
passed on to worthy Pig-eaters!!
SOME ADVICE ON HOW TO COOK A PIG:
Things you’ll need:
1.
One or two men: Usually one
man will do…. But some of ‘em put up a good fight. So you might need 2 men for
catching them.
2.
One woman: This will be the
person who cooks it. Anyone who can cook better than you, should be fine. If
it’s your mother, then I’m happy for you!
3.
A pig: A big one or a small
one depending on your appetite.
Steps involved:
1.
Now that you have all that
you need, you can get to work. First close the barn door or whatever door that
keeps the pig in. (Caution: Beware of athletic pigs that can jump over fences)
2.
Now with the 2 men, who
have agreed to help you out, enter into the pig’s enclosure. The trick is to make
the pig believe that you’re not interested in it. This might confuse the pig at
first. Talk amongst yourselves, while slowly moving towards the pig.
3.
By now the Pig must have
figured out your evil intentions. He’d probably be standing there glaring at
you.
4.
When you’re close enough,
go for the dive. Jump at the pig from all directions. This could be tricky
because you have to dive with your hands spread out towards the pig. Don’t
worry if your hands get tangled with each others, because it can get the pig
entangled in the web.
5.
But some particularly
clever pigs can squeeze away through the loops and leave you there on the floor
looking like gay retards. In this case, you need to use your plan B, which is
the Chase.
6.
Run around the pig pen and
grab the pig with your hands. Try not to pull its tail, because that can get
you arrested for violating animal rights!
7.
Some people can use their
persuasive speaking skills into coercing the pig into surrendering. But don’t
try it, if you don’t have good oratory talents. You might end up getting
laughed at by a pig!
8.
The last rule is not to get
depressed if you’re outsmarted by the pig. You’ll eventually grow out of the
embarrassment.
9.
When you’ve finally caught
it, give it to your mom or whoever can cook and tell them to cook it for you. Then
stand up and observe a few minutes of silence for the pig and pray that it may
rest in peace. Or who knows the pig’s soul might come back looking for you….
10. People usually put an apple
in the pig’s mouth after roasting it. You could go for other fruits, if you
don’t want to be too mainstream. But a watermelon will not fit in, even with
the bigmouthed ones.
Voila! There you go…… your very
First pig on your dining table!!
Don’t forget to share this recipe
with any friend in distress and help out just like what I did. Happiness is
being a friend in need!!
PS. I've never eaten pork ever! lol
